he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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