His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
