I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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