I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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