Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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