i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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