She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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