I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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