where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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