things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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