Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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