I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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