I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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