The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Enjoy the penises
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
