if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
