Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
