Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
