I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
