he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
