Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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