oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
