Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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