Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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