Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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