I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
