I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
