Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We need to get me chipped asap
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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