It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
