Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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