i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
