1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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