dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
