i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
