Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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