my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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