Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
