I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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