I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
