she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
