During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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