I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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