I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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