Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My vagina is very pro this idea
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
