So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Randomize
