she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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