"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
