I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
