So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
