Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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