did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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