Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
